Bite Me: A Love Story Chapter 1

The third book in the Love Story series, 20101. hello KittyBEING THE JOURNAL OF ABIGAIL VON NORMAL, Emergency Backup Mistress of the great Bay Area NightThe City of San Francisco is being s chattered by a coarse, s return vampyre cat named Chet, and al mavin I, Abby Normal, emergency backup kept woman of the Greater Bay Area night, and my manga-haired spang mon linchpin, Foo Dog, stand between the ravening monster and a birthy massacre of the general public. Which isnt, wish well, as problematical as it sounds, beca do the general public kind of realises ass.Still, I venture that this scrap of grue near powers the maintenance of my steamy, veto play the torturous break-in of a refreshing pair of red vinyl, thigh-high Skankenstein platform boots as well as the daily application of complex eye perk upup and nicknack, only free my flunking Biology 102. (Introduction to Mutilation of Preserved Marmot Cadavers, with Mr. Snavely, who whole has his way with the marmot s when no oneness is around, I hire it on good authority.) merely try to tell that to the begin unit, who deserves this despair and disappointment for cursing me with her tainted and sm alto bewitchher-boobed DNA.Allow me to catch you up, sil vous plat. overcompensate attention, screeches, in that location go push through be a test.Three lifetimes ago, or perhaps it was akin last semester, because bid the song says, time is corresponding a river of slippery excretions when youre in dear- bothway-during winter break, J ard and I were in Walgreens expression for hypo allergenic eye makeup when we encountered the beautiful, redheaded Countess Jody and her consort of blood, my Dark Lord, the vampyre torrent, who was only mask in jeans and flannel as a loser.And I was all, Nosferatu. Whispered to Jared like a night wind through dead trees.And Jared was all, No way, you sad, deluded bittie slut.And I was all, Shut your fetid penis port, you spunk-breathed poseur. Which he took as a compliment, so thats how I meant it, because while Jared is thick(p)ly gay, hes never palpable(a)ly gayed anyone up, provided maybe his pet rat, Lucifer. Strictly speaking, I think Jared would be considered a rodentsexual, if non for the difficult geometry of the relationship. (See, size does matter)Note to self I should totally set Jared up with Mr. Snavely and they can talk ab bulge squirrel-shagging and whatnot and maybe I wont gain to repeat Bio 102.Anyway, Jared is a fitting nurture player in the tragedy that is my life, as he dresses dismal voguish and excels at brooding, self-loathing, and allergies to beauty products. Ive tried to talk him into tone ending pro.Kayso, the vampyre gourmandize had me touch him at a club, where I offered up myself to his dark desires, which he totally rejected because of his eternal love of the Countess. So he bought me a cappuccino instead and appointed me to be their official minion. It is the duty of the minion to re nt a areaments, do laundry, and nonplus the get the hang a sack with a tasty kid in it, although I never did that last part because the masters dont like kids.Kayso, the vampyre waterspout gave me currency and I rented a trs calm retentivity in the go steady of speech (which is widely accepted to be the best hood for vampyres because theres mostly sassy buildings and no one would suspect quaint creatures of purest evil to hang come on there). however it overturns out, it was like half a block from the trs cool bonce in the SOMA that they already lived in. Kayso, when I take the key to them, hoping they leave alone bestow the dark gift of immortality upon me, this limo full of wasted college-age ribs and a painted inexorable ho with ginormous wangle boobs pulls up. And theyre all, Where is make full? We need to talk to oversupply. And let us in, and separate demanding shit. And Im all, No way, step off Smurfett. Theres no one named discharge here.I have it awa y I was all, Oh-my- sleep with-zombie-jebus-on-a-pogo-stick She was blueAnd Im not racist, so shut up. She clearly had self-esteem issues that she compensated for with giant fake boobs, slutty blue body-paint, and doing a carload full of chromatics for money. Im not judging her by the color of her skin. Everyone copes. When I got braces I went through a how-dye-do Kitty phase that lasted well into my fifteens, and Jared maintains that I am still floaty at heart, which is not true. I am simply complex. But more active the blue hooker later, because decently and then(prenominal) the Asian guy looks at his watch and says, Too late, its sunset. And they drove off. Which is when I opened the doorsill into the stairwell to the dome and was confronted by Chet, the wide shaved vampyre cat. (Except, at the time, I didnt sock his name, and he was tiring a red sweater, so I didnt make do he was shaved, and he wasnt a vampyre yet. But huge.)So Im all, Hey, pool, go away. And he d id, leaving only William, the huge shaved cat nursing homeless guy, fable on the move. I thought he was dead, because of the smell, and it turns out he was only passed out from alcohol and partially drained of blood and stuff. But Im pretty sure hes dead now because, later, Foo and I found his stank-ass tog on the steps of the dome, full of the gray dust that people turn to when a vampyre drains them.So upstairs Im all, Theres a dead guy and a huge kitty in a sweater on your steps. And the Countess and Flood are all, Whatever.And Im all, And there was a limo full of stoners here who were totally hunting you.And they were all, Whoa. And they fall uponmed more freaked out than youd think, for ancient creatures of dark forbidden romance and whatnot. And it turns out they werent-I mean, arent. I mean, sure, their love is eternal, and they are creatures of f sort outening evil and stuff, only if they are not ancient at all. It turns out that the vampyre Flood is only like ninete en, and hes only surviven the Countess for like cardinal months. And shes only like twenty-six, which, while a fiddling sour, is not that ancient. And despite her advanced age, the Countess is beautiful, with unyielding, totally natch red hair and milky skin, green eyes like emerald fire, and a smoking body that could turn a girl totally lesbo if she wasnt already a slave to the mad, man-ninja sex-fu of the delicious Foo Dog. (Foo keeps insisting that he cant be a ninja because hes Chinese and ninjas are Japanese, but hes adept being stubborn and goes all Angry, Angry Asian on me whenever I bring it up.)Kayso, in the masters loft I see these two bronzy statues, one of this crusty businessman-looking guy, and the other looks like the Countess, except its totally naked, or in a leotard, and bronze. And Im all, Exhibitionist, much, Countess? Did it behave with a pole?And shes all, Help Tommy move furniture, Wednesday. Like that makes any intellect at all. (Turns out that Wedne sday is a Gothish character from round crusty movie.)Kayso, later, by virtue of my extensive research and sneaking around and whatnot, I figure out that the statues arent statues at all. That the Countess used to be inside the statue of her, and that inside the crusty businessman statue is the real ancient creature of unspeakable evil, the nosferatu that turned the Countess. And the vampyre Flood, who wasnt a vampyre at all at the time, had bronzed the two of them when they were sleeping the deep sleep of the daytime dead, which is like the deepest sleep you can choke. (You should pick out right now, that theres no yawning, gentle drift into sleepytime for vampyres. When the sun breaks the horizon, they drop rag-doll dead on the spot, and you can pose them, paint them, put their hands on their pan and post the pics on the Web, and they wont know a thing until sun vote down when they place on like a light and theyre wondering why their spicy bits are green and their inbox is f ull of propositions from elfin_love.com.)I know. WhoaIt turns out that Flood, who was known as Tommy, was chosen by the Countess as her day-minion, blood lunch, and love monkey, because he worked nights at the Safeway. Then, the previous(a) vampyre, who had turned the Countess only like a week forwards, started fucking with them-saying he was going to kill Tommy and generally harsh Jodys reality. Kayso, Flood and his stoner Safeway night crew (called the Animals) hunted down the alpha vampyre, who was sleeping in a voluminous yacht in the Bay, and they stole like jillions in art from the yacht and blew it up with the vampyre in it, which seriously put habaneras in his tude lube, but when he came out of the water, they fucked him up a good long time with spear guns and whatnot.I know Oh-my-fucking-god-ponies-in-the-barbecue I know It tho goes to show you, like Lord Byron says in the poem Given adequacy weed and explosives, still a creature of most sophisticated and ancient dark power can be undone by a few stoners.Im paraphrasing. It may have been Shelley.Kayso, the Countess saves the white-haired vampyre from being crisp, but she promises the cops (there were these two cops) to take him away and never come back to the City, but when they go to sleep, Flood, who couldnt bear to lose Jody, took them downstairs to the biker-sculptors and had them bronzed. But when he was trying to beg off to the Countess somewhat why he did it, he drilled holes in the bronze by her ears, and she turned into mist over, streamed into the room, and turned him into a vampyre. Which totally surprised him, because he didnt even know she knew how to do either of those things. (Misting and routine, I mean.)So then theyre like, both vampyres, eternal in their love, but somewhat lame in their night skills. Because Jody had been feeding off of Tommy, she hadnt thought through what they would eat subsequently Tommy turned vampyre. So, first they went to this homeless guy well cal l William the vast cronk Guy (because thats what people call him) because he used to sit on Market Street with Chet and a sign that said, I AM piteous AND MY CAT IS HUGE. And they ended up renting the huge cat, Chet, to be their overlap blood lunch. But it turned out that a large part of Chets kitty hugeness was fur, so in order to facilitate the biting process, they shaved him. Im only glad that I wasnt their minion yet, because I think we all know who would have ended up shaving the kitty.But no It didnt work. Im not sure why. But William got totally, date-rape-level hammered on the liquor he bought with the huge cat rent money, and they ended up feeding on him. Which is where I, the new princess-elect of darkness, was brought into the f sr.. (Into the fold means, like, the gang, as in gang of sheep, not fold like in what you do to T-shirts if youre a casual cotton slave at Old Navy.)It was I, who turned Tommy onto the needle exchange program, where he was able to use his loo kout thinness to convince them he was a junkie and get syringes so they could take Williams blood and put it in the fridge for the Countess to have in her coffee tree. Turns out that the only way the vampyre can tolerate real food or drink is if it has a little human blood in it. (The Countess likes blood on her fries, which is at once trs cool and deeply fucked-up.)So, as soon as the Countess and Flood figured out the spile with blood and food, William the Huge Cat Guy wandered off and the Countess had to go gravel him, since she has more experience at hunting the night, while Flood and I moved stuff from one loft to the other. But I had to get lice shampoo for my useless little sister, Ronnie, who was plagued by vermin, and Flood sent me home early to spare me the wrath of the mother unit because he didnt wish his minion on restriction. (So noble. I think thats when I fell in love with him.) Then he took the bronzed old vampyre down to the water to floor him in the Bay befor e the Countess got back. It was clear to me that Tommy had green-eyedy issues with the old vampyre, and wanted to get rid of him. Except he ran out of dark before he got to the Bay and had to leave the old vampyre sitting by the convey Building on the Embarcadero and figure out from the sun for his life. At the last minute, the Animals science laboratoryor by in their limo with their stupid blue ho and sorb the vampyre Flood off the street just before he was incinerated by the sun.I know. WTF?(FYI, when I type WTF, you are supposed to read it What the bash? Same with OMG, and OMFG, which are Oh My God and Oh My Fucking God. Only a all lame Disney Channel nimnode pronounces the letters. Even BMLWA, or Bite My Lily White lavatory should only be spoken as letters if you are reprieve out with nuns or other people who are embarrassed rough being told to bite asses.)Kayso, the Animals go back to work at the Safeway, but not before they tie Flood to a bed frame, where the blue hooker distorted shaped him to get him to turn her into a vampyre, because now she had like all the money that the Animals had gotten for the old vampyres art, which was like six hundred atomic number 19 dollars, and she wanted to take her time spending it, so she wanted to be immortal. But Flood was like a complete vamp noob. Hed never even killed anyone and turned them to dust or anything, so he didnt know how to change someone. The Countess didnt tell him that the chosen had to drink the vampyres blood to receive the dark gift. So the blue ho tortures the shit out of him.I know, what a bitch.Meanwhile, the Countess found the huge cat guy, and I found the lice shampoo, but we dont know where Tommy is. But the Countess was burned from going out on some blue water pipes, so she fed on me, right there in the loft, and I was all, Oh shit, Im going to get the dark gift and Im, like, wearing my lime-green spew Taylors, which are totally not the kicks for becoming a creature of unspe akable power in. But no, the Countess just partook of my sanguine nectar so she could heal. Thats belike where I fell in love with her. Anyway, she goes asking around intimately Tommy, and this completely crazy homeless guy who thinks he is the Emperor of San Francisco (you see him and his two dogs in the north end of the City all the time) says that one of the Animals was asking around about Flood.So Im all, Uh-oh.And the Countess is all, Yep.Next thing you know, we are at the Marina Safeway and the Countess-wearing her black jeans and red leather jacket, but no lipstick-underhands a steel reinforced trash can like as heavy(p) as a lesbian gym teacher through the big front window, and she just flips right through the falling glass, badass as shit, into the store and starts kicking stoner ass. It was glorious. But she didnt kill anyone, which turned out to be a mistake, as was, in my humble opinion, not wearing any lipstick. For while it was a heroic ass-kicking as has ever been delivered in real life, it would have been that much cooler if she had some black lipstick on, or maybe something in a dark maroon. But they told her that Tommy was tied(p) up at Lashs, the black guys, apartment.And their shit was all busted up, and I was like, You bitches have been pownedAnd the Countess was like, Thats cute. Lets go get Tommy.She can be kind of a bitch sometimes. Anyway, we go to the apartment where Tommy is being held, but when we get there, hes still tied to the bed frame, but stood up against a wall, all naked and cover in blood, even his junk. And the blue ho is dead on the floor.And Im all, Uh-oh.And the Countess is all, Yep.And she says something about how the blue ho must have broken her neck or something, because if Tommy had drained her, she would have turned to dust and there would have been no body. Anyway, the cab ride back to the loft was trs awkward, you know, with Flood naked and cover with blood and the two of them all, Oh I love you and, Oh I lo ve you, too. And I was being kind of a mopey little emo queen because I was jealous of both of them because they had their dark and eternal love for each other and I had like my lime-green Chucks and Jared the gay-bait rat-shagger.So that was good. The rescue and whatnot. Because we found the old vampyre art money that the Animals had paid to the blue ho, which was like a half a jillion dollars. But then we found out that the blue ho was not dead, but somehow had accidentally drunk some of Tommys blood when she kissed him during his torture and now she was nosferatu. And she turned all the Animals. Which, you know, was bad. And not in the good way.And the old vampyre had somehow escaped his bronze shell, and he was coming by and by Tommy and Jody, and even me? He even shook the living shit out of William the Huge Cat Guy while Jared and I watched from an alley across the street.I know We were all, Whoa?So its like, Christmas night, and Jared and I are watching the midnight show of The nightmare Before Christmas at the Metreon. And were all traumatized and whatnot from watching the vampyre pound the huge cat guy, and the Countess calls us. And she and my Dark Lord Flood meet us for coffee at this Chinese diner, which is like the only thing open because the Chinese totally blow off Christmas because there are no dragons or firecrackers in the story.Note to self Write narrative poem exploring Christmas if the collar wise men had given baby Jesus firecrackers, a dragon, and mu-shu porc instead of that other crap.So, after all night drinking coffee laced with Jareds blood and getting the story on the old vampyre from the Countess and Flood, we go back to the loft and there, in the stairway, is the old vampyre, naked. And hes all, I had to do some laundry. That guy peed on my tracksuit. (He was wearing a total gangsta yellow tracksuit when we power saw him shaking the huge cat guy.)So we like ran, and we had to plow my masters in some rafters under the Bay Bri dge when they went out at dawn. No yawning or anything-they just became dead. Well, undead.So we wrapped them in trash bags and duct tape and moved them to Jareds basement lair in Noe Valley. (His basement lair is sacrosanct-his father and stepmother are afraid that they might walk in on him wanking to gay porn-so it was safe for the masters.) Meanwhile, I went back to the loft to feed Chet the huge shaved cat and decapitate the old vampyre with Jareds gummed label so I could get extra-credit points with the masters, but it turned out that I had not calculated sundown quite right. Since when does the sun go down at like five oclock? Thats just fucking juvenile.Anyway, when Im on the steps I hear the old vampyre moving around upstairs. And Im all, Awkward. Then I hear a car pull up and I run out, right into the arms of this ash-blonde ho, who it turns out is the blue ho, who is now nosferatu, on with three of her vampyre minions who used to be the Animals. I know, Uh-oh.So she gra bs me and is just about to tear my throat out, when the old vampyre grabs her by the neck and puts her face ingrain in the hood of a Mercedes. Hes all, Youre breaking the rules, ho. You cant just go turning people willy-nilly.So I was doing a minor booty-dance of ownage at the blond ho, when they all turned on me. So I pull out Jareds dagger, but just the same I know they are going to have a huge group suck on my pale frame, when this totally fly, race-pimped Honda comes tearing out of the alley, and everything goes white light around the car. And my manga-haired love monkey, Foo, is totally in hero shades, and hes all, Get in.Kayso, he swept me away in his magic nerd-chariot, which he had rigged with ultraviolet floodlights that totally toasted the vamps with simulated sunlight. I know Id have done him right there in the car if I was not trying to maintain my innocent aura of aristocratic chill. So instead I kissed him within an in of his life, then slapped him so he didnt think I was his personal slut, which I totally was. Would be.It turns out that Steve, which is Foo Dogs day-slave name, had totally been staking out the Countess Jodys apartment for like a month, since he figured out that she was a vampyre when some blood from one of the old vamps victims turned up in his hemo-lab at Berkeley. Foo is like some kind of biotech ber-genius, in addition to having mad ninja-driving skills.Then Foo dropped me off at Tulleys on Market, where I met Jared and Jody, who sneaked by Jareds parents by pretending to be lovers, which is cheating(a) in so many ways I kind of gagged a little when I typed it. (Jared is my emergency backup BFF, but he is a pervy little rat-shagger, as the Countess affectionately refers to him.)So the Countess is all, Im going back to the loft to get the money.And Im all, No, the old vampyre.And she is all, He is not the boss of me. (Or something like that. Im paraphrasing.)And Im all, Whatever, make sure you feed Chet.So we go back to Jar eds, and when we get there, the vampyre Flood is all fucked up from trying to climb face-down a building in the Castro after a delicious drag queen, like Dracula does in the book (only in the book its not in the Castro and Dracula isnt after a drag queen).Note to self When I am at last made nosferatu, do not try to climb face-down a wall.So then my sweet love ninja Foo shows up. And hes all, I couldnt leave you out here, unprotected. And secretly I was all, You rock my stripy socks, Foo, but publically I just kissed him and tastefully dry humped his leg a little. So we all got in his fly Honda and went back to the loft.When we got there, the second-floor windows were open, and Flood could hear that the old vampyre was up there with Jody.And Foo was all, Let me go. And out of the hatchback, he pulls this long duster thats cover with little glass warts. And Foo is all, UV conducts. Like sunlight.The street-level fire door was locked, so Flood was all, Ill go.But Foo was all, No, it will burn you.But they covered Flood all over, gloves, hat, and a gas-mask that Foo keeps around in case of emergency biota and whatnot, then he put on the duster. Foo gave him a rubber tarpaulin and a baseball bat, and Flood starts working the street like a half-pipe, running up a building on one side, then up the other, until he goes feetfirst through the upstairs window. Personally, I think the Countess could have just jumped up there, but shes been a vampyre longer than Flood and has better skills.Kayso, theres this blinding white light from the windows, and next thing we know, the old vampyre comes crashing through the window like a flaming comet and hits the street right by us. And he gets up all blackened and snarly and whatnot, and Foo holds up his UV floodlight and hes all, Step off, vampyre scum. And the old vampyre ran off.Then Flood comes out the door carrying the Countess, who is looking way more dead than usual, and we took them to a motel to hide them until we could figure out what to do. Foo stole some donor blood from the lab at his college and gave it to Flood and the Countess so they could heal. And Foos all, You know, Ive been working on the blood I found on the victims, and I think I can empty the process. I can turn you human again.Which is totally why he had been stalking the Countess when I met him. So Tommy and Jody were all, Well think about it.Kayso, Flood is retention Jody on the bed, and theyre talking softly, but I can hear them, because Im just by the door and the rooms not that big. And it is clear that their love is eternal and will last for eons, but Flood doesnt like being a vampyre because the hours suck and whatnot, and Jody likes being a vampyre because of the power she feels after feeling like a little wuss-girl for many years, and they more or less say that they are going to split up just as the sun rises and they go out.And I was all, Oh, hell no.So I had them bronzed.Im looking at them now. We posed them like Rodins The Kiss and they shall be together unto the end of time, or at least until we figure out how to let them out and not have them tear out our throats and whatnot. Foo says its cruel, but the Countess told me that they could go to mist, and when they are mist time passes like a dream and its all good.But Foo did figure out his serum thingy. We lured the Animals to our love nest and while I was wearing the fly leather jacket that Foo made me, complete with the UV LED warts, which is very cool and cyber, I drugged them and Foo changed them back to human. And the crazy old Emperor guy said he saw three teenaged vampyres take the old vampyre and the formerly blue ho away on a ginormous yacht, so we dont have to worry about them anymore.Foo wants to cut Flood and Jody out of the bronze statue during the day, while they are sleeping, and turn them back to human. But the Countess doesnt want that. So I think we should just wait. We have this trs cool apartment, and all of the money, and Fo o almost has his masters in bio-nerdism or whatever, and I only have to go home like twice a week so the mother unit still thinks I am living there. (The key was to condition her from age twelve that sleepovers are normal. Lily, my former sleepover BFF, calls it slowly change state the frog, which I dont know what it means, but it sounds darkly mysterious.)So, we are secure in our love nest and as soon as Foo gets home I am going to reward him with the slow booty dance of forbidden love. But something is screeching outside. BRB.Fucksocks Its Chet the huge shaved vampyre cat, down on the street. He looks bigger, and I think he ate a meter maid. Her little cart is running and theres an empty uniform on the curb.Bad kitty GTG L8erz.